Ever feel like you are miserable because of things around you are
tearing apart, feeling like you have no thing to bring anyone's smile,
it's just you and your mind talking to each other like what insane
people do. so this is how i'm feeling recently. in fact the less people
around me, the worse i bring my mind to chaos. it's like i'm feeling
everything. i used to put my enormous smile almost everytime in my old
days and now i'm wondering what has just happened to me and who stole
that smile away.
Somehow things went up differently in the few last days. i feel like my
problems are the biggest and at the same time i lost my sight of the God
who is way bigger than those. the time when i think that way is the
time when i'm falling to the lowest ground.
Once, i was trying to go back to where i was standing. i was faced to
the same problem which is huge with the same anxious feeling, but the
time when i let myself to remember it quite more detail, i suddenly
realize that i wasn't this miserable. after that without thinking of
anything i questioned myself why.
honestly at first i realized if it's myself who created the monsters
inside me. and second i used to be close to God but now i'm finding
myself far. it's not that i'm fanatic but this is the truth. i realized
if it's me who started the fire, i won't be this miserable if i kept
holding on Him who is bigger than anything else. that time i made a
decision to go back near to Him who created me. i've tried but then i
failed, is still see things like the way it used to be and i ain't feel
nothing different. maybe it's because i'm still doing my sin. to be
honest, it is not as easy as writing or saying it. but in the end i said
to myself that i will keep working on my relationship with God. it may
not easy but with Him everything is possible.
now about the monsters who i created by myself, it's not that i'm
building my own monster like you people see on cartoon ir movies. by
this monster word i meant things that worry me. to be honest my scores
are burnt on fire. in the morning when i remembered school and my scores
it's like i'm better having myself go back to sleep and shatter them
away. but on second taught it was not the right thing to do. running
away from your problem is not a way of solving. you're just making it
bigger and stronger. and now i've decided to face it and study a lot
more harder since i don't want to fail in anything. not just about my
school life, i have so much things that worry me like my familu, my
friends. maybe from now on people who read this might call me an
overthinker. i put too much things on my head and now i'm trying to
delete it one by one so i might have less thing to carry on my head.
And now i wish that i'll get what i want and going back on track where i
used to walk on as soon as possible and now i'm working on it.
Somehow writing on a blog is like talking to a friend who can listen
everything even though they can't reply back because sometimes all you
need is they who listen instead of advices.
So this is the end of my post. thanks for spending your precious time on reading my words. have yourself a good life, Godbless :-)
